eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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