I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
