10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
