The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
