Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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