babies were throwing up all over the place
nutella sex= disaster
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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