walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
