Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
