I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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