I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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