I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
