i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
