if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
