my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
