My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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