You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
