We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
