dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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