Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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