You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How does one acquire holy water?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
