I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
