I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
