i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
