This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
