I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
