??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
