Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
They took my balls.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
