You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
