Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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