please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
