Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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