I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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