then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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