Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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