i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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