I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
