you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
