a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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