I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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