I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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