When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
