If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
