did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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