Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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