dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
