I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
