Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
