Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
