if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is her dick bigger than yours?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
