when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You may now shotgun with the bride
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
